I pretend for a moment that I am a team manager

I'm going to usurp the role of team manager for several (but not all) teams in the Tour. Here's what I'd be saying at the team meeting.

AG2r

Chris Moreau is riding well and is in the yellow jersey hunt. A top 5 finish is possible, with luck, we’re looking at a podium finish. Moreau has shown the impetus to attack and the resilience to withstand attacks. Concurrently, Plan B is to send our other guys into breakaways to see if we can steal a stage win. No one is strong enough to help Moreau, so it’s no loss to him if we roll the dice on that.

CSC

Carlos Sastre has a fighting chance for the yellow jersey, but since he’s weak in the time trial, we’ve got to attack in the Pyrenees. Thanks to Cancellara our Tour is already a success, so let’s invest everything into Sastre. We’re only 5 minutes behind in the team competition, so the more we help Sastre, the better our chances. Zabriskie, if you goof off in every stage but avoid getting eliminated, that’s cool, so long as you bring your A-game for the time trial.

Also, we need a volunteer to ride a rusty mountain bike with training wheels through a mine field in Afghanistan. Any takers? I knew I could count on you, Jens.

Banesto

We’re in a great position. Valverde was super in the Alps, and he’s clearly our leader. Pereiro, Arroyo, and Karpets, you guys have been going strong too, which is why we’re in the lead on team time. Disco is only 6 seconds behind us, though, and they are a better at the time trial, so we’ve got to attack in the Pyrenees. This is our race to win. If you three set a fast tempo on the mountains, Valverde can bury those chumps and take the yellow jersey.

Telekom

There’s no way to sugar coat it—the last two stages were a disaster. If the Tour ended today, we could hold our heads up high thanks to Linus Gerdemann’s stage win, plus a day in yellow and two days in white. Now, he’s second in the white jersey, but he can’t climb with Contador. Just keep riding your own pace and hope he crashes. Somehow Kim Kirchen is in 10^th. You stay with the lead pack as long as you can, but we simply don’t have the personnel to attack. Just make sure all 6 of you get to Paris, and try to go an entire day without hitting another rider, a spectator, or an animal.

Rabobank

Menchov blew up today, so that makes things simple. We’re in this to get Rasmussen to Paris in yellow. Don’t think about the KoM—that will take care of itself. Everyone works to protect our yellow jersey. The time trial is a liability, so we have to attack at least 2 of the 3 days in the Pyrenees to hold a good lead. We’re going to push the tempo to weaken the field and then launch Rasmussen to attack at will.

Lotto

Cadel, you were a stud in the Alps. You attacked well, and you’re a better time trialist than everyone ahead of you. Rasmussen is keeping that yellow jersey warm for you. We’re really not equipped to defend the jersey, so it would be ideal if you got close in the first time trial, and then didn’t take it until maybe the last mountain stage or the second time trial. With McEwen out, we’ve only got one goal—getting that chickenlegged posuer out of the jersey that rightfully belongs to you.

Discovery

We have options out the wazoo. We’ve got two guys in contention for the yellow jersey, one of whom currently wears white with 3+ minutes to spare. Plus, we’re only 6 seconds off the lead in the team competition. Contador and Levi, keep doing what you are doing, and next week we’ll decide which one of you can win the yellow jersey. Popo is our secret weapon because he’s about the only domestique in the race who can ride ahead of the peloton all day and still be strong enough to be of use on the final climb. Let’s save Hincapie’s legs for the time trials—that’s where we’re going to win the team competition. We’ll beat Cassie d’Espana—or whatever Banesto calls themselves these days—into the pavement.

Quick Step

Boonen for green. Everyone got that? On the sprint stages we mark Zabel, Hushovd, and Hunter. We protect Tom from a crash. On the mountain stages we send everyone back to pace Tom to the finish line. We’re not going to let him get eliminated like McEwen. Let’s take that green jersey all the way to Paris.

Milram

Really, this couldn’t be better for us. McEwen and Freire are gone, and we have a good lead on Hushovd. The only problem is that Boonen has a 13 point lead on Zabel. In a head to head race, Boonen wins, so we’ve got to out-maneuver him in the bunch sprints. Erik’s main advantage is that he can climb. So, on the mountain stages, we’re going to look to take those intermediate sprint points that lie in between big climbs.

Saunier

Mayo is in third, which is as good as we could have hoped at this point. We’ve got nothing else going for us—yes, I know who you are David Millar, and I’m not about to hold my breath on you delivering a stage win, so shut up for a minute here. OK, fine, you think you have a chance in the time trial…whatever. The important thing is that Mayo has a chance for the podium. We’re headed to the Pyrenees—his backyard. When you see incline, you attack, got it.

Barloworld

Our tour is already a success after that stage win. Soler is less than 4 minutes behind Contador in the white jersey race, so let’s concentrate on that. On the sprints, let’s set up Hunter and see if he can get us another stage win. He’s been close before—so let’s get a second helping of podium girls.

Astana

Vinokourov, your whole career is cursed. I know it sucks, but someday, you’ll retire as one of the best TdF riders never to wear yellow. We still have plenty to fight for. Kloden is in good position for the yellow jersey, and he’s probably the best time trial rider of all the contenders. Kloden is now our #1 guy, and he’s going to win the Tour. We’re only 3 minutes out of the lead in the team competition, and that’s despite all of Vinokourov’s problems. We’re going to win that too, because when it comes to time trials, those other guys can’t hold your jocks. So, we’re riding for Kloden. As a booby prize, we’ll let Vino go solo for a stage win in the Pyrenees if the conditions are good.